the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
it's about time that we take the next step forward in the evolution of our nation's educational system.
the fallen saint left at 5:10 pm this is the start of brutal mugging, though right now i just want to survive tuesday relatively unscathed.
the fallen saint left at 9:31 am
i don't how to explain it to you in words, you may not trust me now like you did before.
the fallen saint left at 2:54 pm
currently not in the mood to talk to anyone. i don't know what got into me, it seemed like i was starting to feel quite pissed as i was walking to snooker training. maybe everything isn't going my way now and i feel unhappy about the things that are going on in my life which are beyond my control.
the fallen saint left at 10:38 pm
she makes me laugh, she makes me gush and go weak in the knees.
the fallen saint left at 12:01 pm
as if things can't get any stranger, i switched off my bedroom lights (i went home and am not in hall anymore) and tried to sleep, but couldn't. my mind was far too awake. for the past week - and probably stretching back to way before - i have never slept at any time close to midnight. it was always way past that i turned in, and now i can't get to sleep at such a relatively early hour.
the fallen saint left at 12:49 am
i woke up burning. it's the usual symptoms - warm and heavy forehead, numb limbs, sore throat.
the fallen saint left at 10:42 am
some time ago i drove a van to transport goods for my jcrc. at one point, we came up behind this vehicle.
the fallen saint left at 11:05 am
loved ones are slowly slipping away, age is making its presence felt and there's nothing anyone can really do about it.
the fallen saint left at 12:57 am
leadership was never meant to be a stroll in the park, and i readily accept that, but when you don't have violent objections toward a proposition or instruction, i don't think there's a need for you to display your petty attitude. i think a rebel without a cause is an example of one of the silliest people around.
the fallen saint left at 10:43 am
Sunday, October 28, 2007
an advocation to MOE
let's make exams optional.
the torture has begun
people who are reading this, i would appreciate if you could leave me alone until the end of november unless there's something important you want to tell me, like if there's a hot chick you'd like to introduce to me. everything else can wait till then.
thank you.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
inept and lost, very
i only ask for your faith and trust, that what i'm doing now will hopefully pay dividends when this is over, but i will not be so foolish as to think that you'll still be around when all this has ended, or that you'll even bother to wait for me, for whatever duration.
i'm sorry if at any point you thought i deliberately neglected you. trying to explain this to you makes me feel like i know nothing of the language i'm conversing in. maybe somewhere along the line, something went wrong.
i don't know where to go from here.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
backpedal
i don't think i feel betrayed, or that i'm being played for a fool. maybe i should have seen things clearer from the start.
sometimes you won't wait for something to be given to you.
Monday, October 22, 2007
tremble
but i don't want this, it just doesn't feel right, and i have no time to worry over such things right now.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
just when i thought
to make things worse, some foreign indian moron had been dialling my cell phone repeatedly. i know he's indian because he mentioned a certain human anatomical part in tamil which i learnt from my army experience, and it's only such people who get long-distance calls total-fucking-ly wrong. the first time i answered without looking at the caller id display, and he just went 'hello hello'. i thought, who the fuck, and hung up the call. the idiot called again, and i rejected it, then put my phone to silent and turned off the vibration. after like three minutes, i checked my phone and there were close to ten missed calls and all from the same number. the fucker wouldn't stop, i swear, so i picked up the next call and kept quiet. when he went 'hello hello' again i told him 'wrong number' twice and hung up. i didn't cuss at him because i'm going to call singtel tomorrow when i wake up and make sure they don't charge me overseas air time when it's not my fault, and having worked in a telecommunications company before, i know they are likely to check the calls to verify such claims, so it wouldn't be pleasant for them to listen to me vomit expletives on some turd who is probably too stupid to understand english anyway.
i don't know what country the bastard's from, but it just goes to show that somewhere out there in this world there's still a fucktard on the loose.
india and pakistan and north korea want to do nuclear testing? all these retarded monkeys should be rounded up in a hole and nuked.
every one less moron to consume food and water is one more starving child who doesn't have to die.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
the heat is on
my head feels so heavy that it might drop off my neck any moment.
the signs are bad. really, really bad.
Monday, October 15, 2007
walking on a knife's edge
this is sooo not the place to be.
Monday, October 08, 2007
losing my grip
i wish i had the time to spend with them, but there just doesn't seem to be any.
i wish i could say it's the thought that matters more, but that's just a pathetic excuse for not trying hard enough.
i want to be there, but i don't know what to do when i'm there. there's so much i want to say but it feels so awkward because there was this long, long gap between then and now, and things cannot possibly go back to the way they were in the past. it's as if i've become a totally different person after all these years. i feel an immense weight on me whenever i hear about the visits to the doctor or hospital, the checkups, the diagnoses and all that, and i can't handle the burden and i choose to run away. i know it's cowardly and i never ran away from anything in my life, but this, it just means so much to me that i can't bear it.
at times i think i might break down and cry, but somehow i manage to keep it together and hold it all inside. i don't know how long this can go on, or rather i don't know how long i can go on like this.
i love you all, and it pains me to see you in this state, this way, overcome by the years. it breaks my heart when i see you smiling strongly still, and i want to reach out and hug you but that's not the way in the family. i hate myself for falling into this tragedy of loving you but not knowing how to say it. in this i am weak on my own admission.
don't say all those things please, i will have none of it. you're not leaving my heart, you never will.
Friday, October 05, 2007
the things
i don't like to order people around, but if a job needs to be done, by hook or by crook it must be completed. i try not to overload your shoulders but i have a lot to do on my end as well, so a bit of consideration would have been well appreciated.
life was never meant to be easy, but you don't have to make it more difficult for me.